Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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