I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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