Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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