census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
