Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
