Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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