I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
