I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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