Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's never too late to be topless.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
