If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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