Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
