I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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