Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
