Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
