you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
