Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
