I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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