I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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