I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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