what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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