in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The struggles of a small town man whore
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
