it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
