if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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