i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
