Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
