Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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