Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
