My girlfriend figured out who you are.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
