if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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