so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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