i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
