he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
