Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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