I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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