Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Randomize
