Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
