and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
