I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
