I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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