omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
one might say we're banned from that church
The best revenge is premature balding
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
