We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
