I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
