I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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