ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
