You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
