She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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