I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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