so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
