theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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