Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
