wrigley field is MILF paradise
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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