I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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