Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
