Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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