Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
