dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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