So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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