He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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