I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Let's get the cat blown out
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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